In Which I Indulge in Whining

I've tried to keep this blog very "theological" and "librarian-ish," and thus, not very personal.  But, after all, this is my blog; I can write whatever I want here.

So I'm going to whine.

Today was Mother's Day.  Today marked the fourth big "holiday" (including her birthday) on which I have had no contact with my mother.

Now, before y'all jump down my throat about what a terrible person I am: my mother has Paranoid Personality Disorder.  She's suspicious, critical, manipulative, controlling, and very good at making me feel two inches tall.  She has delusions that she is being followed, spied-upon, drugged, harassed, etc.

She refuses to acknowledge that I'm an adult and that I can make decisions about my life; if she had her way, she would be in control of my bank account, of whether or not I left the house (thank God I'm not living at home anymore!), of every minute of my day.  She thinks she loves me properly, that I'm a horrible person and a horrible daughter for not wanting to let her control every detail of my life.  (Not that she would ever think she was trying to "control" my life; she would just be trying to "love" me "properly.")

So, for the preservation of my own sanity, I had to go "No Contact" with her.  That hurt.  It was a very hard decision to make.

10 months after that decision, it's still hard.  I got through today without crying, but Mass last night was hard. Fr. Fasano gave a good sermon, all about mothers and Mother's Day; but I wanted to hide under the pew when he mentioned that there are people who are alienated/estranged from their mothers.  I felt like I was wearing a flaming sign on my forehead: "Not In Contact With Mentally Ill, Blind Mother--Horrible Person."  Because that's the attitude I get from a lot of people, and I am sick and tired of it!  I am sick and tired of the people who tell me "But she's your mother," and "You only have one mother"!  For heaven's sake, I know that!  I know I only have one biological mother.  I also know that she as sure-as-heck doesn't act like a mother!  Nurturing, protecting, encouraging?  Nope, nope, and nope.  Does she listen to me, give me advice when I ask for it, or tell me she's proud of me?  Nope again.  She didn't come to my graduation from college last year because the day after Graduation was Mother's Day, and she didn't want to spend her Mother's Day around her ex, because I'd invited my Dad.

If y'all think I'm a horrible person...I'll give you her address, I'll happily forward some of the emails that still show up in the trash bin (because Gmail doesn't have a "block" function).  Let me know if you want to run screaming for the hills after one email.  Don't think y'all could survive years of it with your sanity intact.  My teenage years were Hell, pardon my French.

There, I'm done whining.

Join me in a Novena for Pentecost!

(Picture from Ignitum Today)

Pentecost is coming and I am joining in prayer and preparation with the people over at www.praymorenovenas.com. They have a great email reminder service that sends you an email each day of the novena to make sure you are on top of the prayers!  (Which is wonderful, if you're like me and, two days into a novena, forget that you ever started it, then on about the fifth day, begin frantically trying to "catch up"!)

There are more than 15,000 people praying together this time around and I would love it if you all joined me in prayer as we prepare for the coming of the Holy Spirit.

Click here to sign up!

God Love y'all!

On Fear, Man's Purpose, and Bombs

I'm blogging today over at Ignitum Today: http://www.ignitumtoday.com/2013/04/24/on-fear-mans-purpose-and-bombs/

Entering Into Holy Thursday With Venerable Sheen

Hello, all!  Happy Holy Week!  I'm blogging today over at Ignitum Today.

God Love Y'All!

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

HABEMUS PAPAM!  God Bless Pope Francis!

“So passes the glory of the world.”

I was watching EWTN’s coverage of the sfumata and the announcement that we once again have a Pontiff, and one of the commentators mentioned this phrase.  It comes from the rite of the coronation of a Pontiff; the best description that I could find of this rite is in Henry Morton Robinson’s 1950 novel The Cardinal, with its fictional description of the Coronation of Pope Pius XII:

A cowled monk approached.  In one hand he carried a lighted taper; in the other, a tuft of wax-impregnated hemp.  Bowing to His Holiness, the monk brought flame and hemp together.  Fire flashed momentarily, then vanished in smoke.  

“Sic transit gloria mundi,” cried the monk.

As the procession moved at the tempo of high ritual past the statue of St. Peter, the symbolic act of earthly consummation was re-enacted.  In sepulchral tones, “Sic transit” reverberated through the Basilica.

To remind the Pope of the fearful jeopardy in which he would live, and the ultimate dust to which mortal glories return, the hooded monitor approached him for the third time.  Again flame met hemp, again the lugubrious warning sounded: “Sic transit gloria mundi.”

“So passes the glory of the world.”  And yet the Church remains.  She does not pass away.  She has withstood 21 centuries.  For all the talk by the secular media about corruption, intrigue, and scandal, the Church is not on the verge of collapse.  Our Lord has promised us this: “the gates of hell shall not prevail against” the Church (cf. Mt. 16:18).  The Church remains.  She will always remain.  For She is not a committee or a club, loosely bound together by a vague goal; she is a Body, the Body of a Living Person, the Person of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  As He “dieth now no more, death shall no more have dominion over Him” (cf. Rom. 6:9), so neither will She.

Venerable Fulton J. Sheen, in The Divine Romance, describes the Church:

The Church . . . is the continuation of the Incarnation.  It is not an institution like a bank, but a life, not an organization like a club, but an organism, not something horizontal extending from the Apostles as men to us as other men, but as something vertical in which Divine Life descends first from God to Christ, and then on to us in the Church.

The Church does not exist to be the plaything of the secular media; and nothing the media says…none of their speculations over whether Pope Francis will do this or will Pope Francis do that…will change the reason for Her existence.

Yes, there is corruption within the Church…She is composed of weak, fallible, sinful human beings.  Those blessed to live within her sacred fold* are not impeccable; if they were, what sort of message would that send to the rest of sinful, struggling humanity?  It would be the “Noli tangere“–Do not touch Me–of Our Lord to Magdalen, but without His humility, a “Noli tangere” of pride, disgusted by the sinfulness of those outside Her.  But the Church does not look down upon the sinful; She does not tear them down, belittle them; She draws them to Herself!  She draws them upward, onward, “UP…UP…Up to God!”–to “the Perfect Life, Perfect Truth, and Perfect Love, Which is God” (cf. Sheen, Characters of the Passion and Three to Get Married).

Sheen argues that it is the fallibility of the Church that will draw men to Her.  He is not condoning sin, but saying that the Church and Her leaders are able to have compassion on the infirmities of men, because Her members, too, are tempted (cf. Heb. 4:14).  He explains this in The Fullness of Christ:

Suppose every Vicar of Christ was a saint; suppose every member of His Mystical Body was another St. John the Baptist or another St. Theresa.  Would not her very perfection accuse and condemn those who were outside?  Too high an ideal often repels rather than attracts.  She would be so saintly that she would no longer allure ordinary mortals.  She might even appear to struggling souls as a terrible Puritan, easily scandalized at our failings, who might shrink from having her garments touched by sinners like ourselves.  Where then would faith be for those who doubted?  Where would hope be for those who were unholy?  Where would charity be for those who were in sin?  No, a perfect Church would be a stumbling block.  Then, instead of men being scandalized at her, she would be scandalized at men–which would be far worse.  (Sheen, Fullness of Christ, [Washington, D.C.: National Council of Catholic Men, 1935?], 55-56)

As Pope Francis asked us, “Let us always pray for one another,” so let us pray for those outside the fold of the Church who detract Her, simply because they do not understand.  One day their glory will pass, too.  One day the glory of each of us, individual members of the Church of Christ, will pass.  But the glory of the Church will not pass.

For She is Christ’s.

And Christ is God’s.

And God is Eternal.

Viva Papa Francisco!

Let us pray for our Pope Francis.
May the Lord preserve him, and give him life, and make him blessed upon the earth, and deliver him not up to the will of his enemies.

Thou art Peter,
And upon this Rock, I will build My Church.

Let us Pray:
Almighty and everlasting God, have mercy upon your servant, Francis, our Sovereign Pontiff, and guide him in Your goodness on the way of eternal salvation; so that, with the prompting of Your grace, he may desire what pleases You and accomplish it with all his strength. Through Christ Our Lord.
R. Amen.

V. Mother of the Church.
R. Pray for us.
V. St. Peter.
R. Pray for us.

My Pro-Life Story

Forty. Years.  55 million lives snuffed out by abortion.  I should have been one of them.

If my Mom's OB/GYN had had his way, I would have been one of them.

My mother had a difficult pregnancy; and that, plus the fact that she's blind (because of course no blind parent has ever successfully raised a child to adulthood...sarcasm note!), led her "Catholic" OB/GYN to say:

We can solve this problem real quick.

My mom said "no."  I've heard different versions of the story from my parents; my mom's version is that my Dad, who's only 5'6", took the doctor outside, picked him up, and threatened him severely if he ever said those words in front of Mom again.

A couple of days later, the doctor said that I wasn't getting enough oxygen and that he'd have to do an emergency C-section.  My mother wonders if he was hoping I would conveniently die, or something.  I'll never know.

I gave a nice loud yell as soon as oxygen met my little lungs, to the astonishment of the doc; at 27 weeks, my lungs weren't supposed to have the capacity for screaming.  But I screamed.  "Hello, world!"  I was a scrawny little thing: 1 pound, 8.5 ounces; 13 inches long.  My aunt jokingly referred to me as "Six Sticks of Butter."

They gave me a 40% chance of making it either 24 or 48 hours.  I had heart surgery two days later, on May 29, 1989, to correct "Patent ductus arteriosus," a condition in which a valve of my heart didn't close properly.  I have a staple in my heart...it's still there; you can see it on X-Rays...and the nice long scar on my back also provides evidence.  I went to the dentist the other day and shocked them by not only knowing that I had heart surgery at the ripe old age of two days, but knowing why I had had heart surgery.

So, I guess I owe some people some big "Thank-You's":

• My parents, for being pro-life;
• The doctors and nurses at Kosair Children's NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit)  who took care of me (I was there until August 1989...it took me 3 months to hit the magic number of 5 pounds);
• My aunt who came and stayed with my parents for several months to help take care of me (I was too tiny to even finish a 4-ounce bottle, and I had to eat every two hours, which meant that when I napped, Mom napped; when I was not napping, Mom was not napping either.
• and Our Blessed Lord for the gift of life.  If He wanted me to make it longer than 48 hours, I guess there's a reason.

God Love y'all!
~"Hurt-ey"

Questions About 2012

Inspiration for this blog post comes from The Diatribist  Thanks!

For comparison, see my answers to these questions at the end of 2011.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
On Saturday, May 12, 2012, I graduated from Christendom College with a B.A. in Theology.  My GPA wasn't stellar, but I graduated!!!

(My diploma, which I finally received on December 21, 2012)

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolution, and will you make more for 2013?
No, I did not keep my 2012 New Year's resolution; I can't even remember what it was.
This year's resolution is to actually be an auxiliary member of the Legion of Mary, and to pray the Rosary and Legion Prayers daily.  Mary, my mother, help me!

3. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
At the end of 2011, my answer to this question was: "A driver's license...and the motivation to actually get one."  I don't have the license, yet, but I do have my learner's permit, putting March 12, 2012 down as one of the most exciting days of the year!

It would be nice to get a license this year, but right now, I need a full-time job.  Also, I have to find a place to live by Feb. 13; could use some prayers!

4. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• Monday, March 12, the day I got my learner's permit, and drove down Shenandoah Shores Road from the storage units to the campus of Christendom College without causing bodily harm or damage to myself, the professor in the passenger's seat next to me, his car, or any of the others cars on the road!
• Saturday, May 12, the day I graduated from Christendom College with a B.A. in Theology.
• Friday, December 21, the day I received my diploma.  (See #1.)

5. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

See #1.

6. What was your biggest failure?

Not doing enough job-hunting during my last semester of college.

7. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A sinus infection.  At least it wasn't pneumonia again....

8. What was the best thing you bought?

The 1983 Code of Canon Law.

9. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My mother's.

10. Where did most of your money go?

Bills and my cellphone.

11. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Fulton Sheen was declared Venerable on June 29, 2012!!!

12. What song will always remind you of 2012?

"You're My Little Girl," by Go Fish.  The artist wrote it when his wife told him how hard her parents' divorce had been for her.  And since I spent a majority of 2012 wrestling with the fact of my parents' divorce 17 years ago (until then, I'd just accepted it as a fact of life), that song speaks to me.

13. Compared to this time last year, are you:

     i. happier or sadder?  Both, in different ways.

     ii. thinner or fatter?  Thinner.  Being on a very tight budget does that to you.

     iii. richer or poorer?  I have to copy part of The Diatribist's response: "Based on money: poorer; life experience, richer."

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Praying, job-hunting, reading, and re-working my Thesis.

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Freaking-out, wasting time, and complaining.

16. How did you spend Christmas?

In southern Indiana with my dad, sisters, neices, and nephews.  Dad and I went to see the movie "Lincoln."

17. Did you fall in love in 2012?

No.

18. What was your favorite TV program?
Adam-12.

19.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't have this time last year?
"Hate"?  No.  "Feel sorry for, miss, wish that she would return to reality"?: my mother.

  20. What was the best book you read?

Making Your Way After Your Parents' Divorce, which I'm still plowing through.  It's a very painful book, but it's good and healing, too.

21. What was your greatest musical discovery?

See. #12.

22. What did you want and get?

Well, there was one particular Fulton Sheen book that I needed if I wanted to work on my 2013 goal of editing and expanding my Thesis.  I couldn't find it anywhere--I felt like a failure in my self-proclaimed "job" as "Seeker of the Lost Books."  My sister managed to find it, and for Christmas she gave me Sheen's 1935 book The Fullness of Christ.

23. What was your favorite film of this year?

None.

24. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 23 on Pentecost Sunday, which was pretty cool!  (The last time I shared a birthday with the Church, I was 18.)  A friend surprised me by coming up to visit for a few weeks; we went to Mass on campus, hung out with friends, and watched superhero movies.  It was a good birthday.

25. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having a full-time job, and knowing for certain where I'm going to be in 5 weeks, 6 months, a year from now, etc.  But I will say this whole "Life-After-College" thing has given me innumerable opportunities to trust Our Lord.

26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Me?  Fashion concept?  Non-existent.  But, for the first time in 12 years, I'm wearing jeans.

27. What kept you sane?

A dear friend, who helped me get through the last semester of college with its concomitant fears of graduating, of "Life-After-College," and a lot of personal issues; encouraged me in the first few really rough months after college; and supported me by his prayers, encouragement, and love.

28. Who was the best new person you met?

On July 20, Fr. Andrew Apostoli, Vice-Postulator of the Cause of Canonization of VEN. Fulton Sheen, gave a talk on Sheen at Christendom College.  I was able to go to the talk; I spoke to Fr. Apostoli after Mass, introduced myself to him, and told him that I'd written my Senior Thesis on Sheen.  He asked for a copy of it, which I duly sent him.  That was rather nerve-wracking.

29. Tell us a valuable life-lesson you learned in 2012:

See my blog post Grateful for Life-Lessons Learned At Christendom.  The most important of the life-lessons listed in that post is probably:

• “If you can hang in there, fight the good fight through the rough patches, everything will be more than OK in the end—everything will be awesome.”

That one piece of advice has kept me going for the past 5 months, has reminded me to trust God, and has given me the grace to hope that everything will be okay as long as I try to trust Him and seek His Will.

30. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

See #12 and #21.

"The ones you love they let you down,
And I want you to know that I'm sorry.
The choices that they made were wrong;
You were caught in the middle and I'm sorry.
So when the anger and the pain
Get the best of you,
I know it seems like you're all alone
But I am feeling it too.

'Cause you're My little girl,
You're the one that I created;
No one in this world could ever be like you.
When you're cryin' in the night,
All you need to do is call Me;
I'll be there for you,
'Cause you're My little girl."